Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
