I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
