It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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