your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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