Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize