If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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