Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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