got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize