Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
