Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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