A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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