Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
