I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
