wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
