why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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