My Higher Power is John Stamos
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Randomize
