On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
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