I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
