I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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