I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
