...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
