I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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