He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
