and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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