Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
