Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
