mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
