I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
