She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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