I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
