dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
