remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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