Got a toothbrush?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
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