between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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