My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My liver just had a heart attack.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
