That's when you crack a 10am beer
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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