Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
