She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
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