she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
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