singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
