I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
