Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
