Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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