I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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