I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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