There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Randomize
