I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
