I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I have already put on my inside pants.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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