I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
