I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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