Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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