Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
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