Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
