What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
