woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Randomize