nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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