The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Blood and glitter go together right?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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