your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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