My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
No subtext here. People are naked.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
