You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
