Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
